Holiday bailout packages and stocking stuffers

Brian McDonald
Senior Editor
December 23, 2008
Tis the season for giving and all that good stuff, right? Whether it is our government giving out hundreds of billions with no strings, tens of billions in loans with more strings than the inside of a baseball, or regular Americans giving gifts to their loved ones, nothing says giving or the holidays more than money and material possessions. And as proud Americans we’re going to do our part. With a whole bunch of IOU’s (that’s as good as money, sir) as payment we’re going to offer some presents to some of the more prominent national college football players and programs. In addition to getting (or is it giving?) presents the holiday season is also about taking stock of where one stands. It’s a time to look back, but more importantly, a time to look forward. How can 2009 be an improvement over 2008? Often college football players and programs need an unbiased third party to come in and pass judgment, and these observations are often made by a bunch of party poopers often referred to as the NCAA. We’re not here to be punitive; we’re here to assist. And the following are our gifts that will allow some of our favorite players and squads to move past 2008 and experience an even brighter 2009. We hereby grant to: Auburn A do-over. If they want we can just pretend that coaching search never happened and they can try again. Michigan – A couple of quarterback recruits. The Wolverines looked well on their way to fixing their quarterback problems with a pair of high profile recruits. That is until Shavodrick Beaver decided that Tulsa was better place than Ann Arbor. Tulsa? Really? Next you'll be telling me a team from Ohio, other than the Buckeyes, is in a BCS bowl. Robert Marve and Stephen Garcia - A copy of "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Hotshot Quarterbacks who Didn't Blow Their Opportunity" by Stephen Covey (another sequel to his original due out this spring). Alabama - A pair of blinders for Nick Saban. How much longer before Nick starts getting itchy? Notre Dame – Unbiased officials in Hawaii. Let’s face it, strange things happen on the island, and I don’t think Touchdown Jesus made the plane ride. Rudy Carpenter - One of those massage chairs. The Sun Devils have allowed 122 sacks in the last three years, second only to Syracuse’s 128. The difference is Rudy has quarterbacked the Sun Devils through all three of those years while the Orange have had multiple rag dolls under center over that span. I think it is safe to say there has been no man that has been sacked more times than Rudy Carpenter. Trivia Time: Can anyone name the least sacked team the last three years? (hint: see the picture on the main page) Arkansas / Michigan State – A pair of highly-anticipated quarterback transfers. Never mind, they already have that in Ryan Mallett and Keith Nichol. Two names to file away and watch out for this spring. Cincinnati – An indoor practice facility. While the Bearcats will be enjoying sunny Miami soon enough, the guys have to prepare for their first ever BCS Bowl in the frigid outdoors. Bill Snyder – His old JUCO contact list (make that handwritten rolodex). Hopefully the old Wildcat still knows how to mine the JUCO ranks for talent; otherwise it will be tough sledding in Manhattan the second time around. Washington State – A half dozen quarterbacks. Something tells me they are going to need them. Bo Pelini - A gift certificate to anger management classes. Syracuse A bunch of Donovan McNabbs and Rob Konrads. I don’t think we’ve seen a program sink further into the cellar with such force than the Orange. Connecticut - A lifetime contract for Randy Edsall. Why more schools don’t look toward Storrs, Connecticut when filling open coaching positions is beyond me. Hopefully for Husky fans, he will continue to win in relative obscurity. Fresno State – A healthy Ryan Mathews. It would be nice to see what this kid could do if he could stay healthy for an entire year. That is about all the yuletide spirit we can have. We hope you all have a Happy Holidays, and be sure to stick around through out the offseason as we have plenty in store. We’ll be kicking off our conference look aheads and sneak peak player rankings starting on Jan. 1, and then we roll right into recruiting, spring practice reports and before you know it, it will be draft season all over again.

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